Extract from John Ryan’s first novel, Spy Story

FIFTEEN

In the end, it did not matter that Danny’s father was unable to make known the presence of a German U-boat in the Transkei’s coastal waters. For not too many weeks later, in the early evening, an enemy submarine sailed right into the mouth at Port St Johns, brazen as you like.

And this time there were more witnesses: people fishing on both banks of the estuary, people in the lower part of town.

Port St Johns was a small community on the Umzimvubu River.  It was named after another ship that had gone down off that coast many years before – the Portuguese Sao Joao. The town centre was composed of a few general dealers, two hotels and a boatyard that built skiffs and small boats. Below was a wooden pier where coasters from Durban and East London discharged their cargo.

For a while, it seemed to the onlookers that the U-boat might be intent on sailing right into that centre to tie up at the jetty. Then some of them noticed, from beyond the river mouth at a place the locals called Ferry Point, what seemed to be a frantic signalling to the vessel by someone using a powerful torch. The submarine reversed engines until it was back in open sea, turned and disappeared.

Brian Eayrs, the owner of the Needles Hotel, headed a posse of residents to investigate the area from which the signals had come. They combed the milkwood bushes but saw no one. Eayrs called off the search and went back to the hotel to phone the police.

Sergeant Jock Brown and Digger O’Brien were on the scene early next morning. While Jock took statements from witnesses, Digger drove with Brian Eayrs to Ferry Point. High up on the side of a dune they found fresh tyre tracks. They established that none of the local vehicle owners had been in the area for some days.

Jock and Digger met for breakfast at the Needles. ‘I think we should get somebody down here who knows the different tyres,’ said Digger.

‘Ossie McComb?’

‘Ginger Southwood, rather,’ Digger said. ‘I think he’s sharper than Ossie these days.’

Ginger Southwood took a while to get there, finally arriving in his own car, an eight-horsepower Flying Standard. He had bought the vehicle the year before from Keith Heathcote, the lawyer, who needed something larger. The Flying Standard, despite its fine name, was essentially a town car. Southwood had spent some months refurbishing it.

‘Flying Standard?’ he said, prising himself out of the front seat. ‘Well, it certainly flew when I started hitting those potholes. I thought it might never come down. Jock, does the police budget run to new springs?’

‘I’m afraid it doesn’t even run to petrol,’ said Jock Brown.

They drove him up to the place where the tyre tracks were. ‘Dunlops,’ Ginger Southwood said at once. ‘I’ll tell you that for nothing. But then probably ninety per cent of the tyres in the Transkei are Dunlops.’

He knelt and spread his right hand in successive movements to gauge the rough distance between the two treads. His hands were large, with unusually prominent knuckles.

‘I should have brought a tape measure,’ said the mechanic. ‘But I would say these tracks weren’t made by a normal sedan. Something bigger, maybe a Buick or a De Soto. Or a truck. I don’t know.’

Since there was no point in trying to keep this sighting secret, Jock Hopkinson was allowed to go down to see the area for himself. The next edition of the Territorial News was almost totally devoted to the incident. “Nazi sub seen in Transkei waters!” the headline said, almost echoing what Digger had considered in the first instance. The article contained lengthy interviews with every witness Jock could lay his hands on and other residents who said they were terrified although they had seen nothing.

There were graphic descriptions of how the vessel had broken through the waves at the river mouth, of the light that suddenly began flashing dramatically in the semi-darkness.

Colonel Fyfe King called an emergency meeting of the territory’s NRV. ‘It seems we have a spy in our midst,’ he said. ‘Either someone who has been here for some time, or someone who was put ashore off that U-boat.’

‘Except that Brian Eayrs and his chaps couldn’t identify those tyre tracks,’ Digger O’Brien reminded him.

‘Yes, of course,’ said the colonel. ‘So it has to be somebody who has been here long enough to have access to a vehicle. Maybe someone then who’s familiar to us, someone who was a stranger until recently but now has been accepted into our society.’

‘Maybe it doesn’t even have to be recently,’ George Trebble said. ‘Remember Spain, sir, where the Fascists planted fifth columnists years ahead of them taking over.’

‘I think what we should all do,’ Digger said, ‘is to go back to our homes, towns and villages, or wherever, and think of anyone who comes to mind. Anyone we remember acting suspiciously, or out of character, in particular any outsider who has come into the Transkei in the past few years. Because I can’t believe our spy is a Transkeian. We know one another too well. Or most of us do anyway.’

Elsewhere, five other minds were contemplating the same issue.

‘I think it’s got to be somebody in Umtata,’ said Charles Perkins. ‘Those other towns and villages. They’re so small. Everybody knows everybody. And how many cars have they got?’

‘Unless it’s a black person,’ Steyn Mostert said. ‘Black people, we don’t know them. And my father says we can’t trust them. He says they can steal you blind.’ He thought a while longer. ‘But then blacks don’t have cars. Not too many of them. There’s that witchdoctor, Khotso, in Kokstad but that’s a long way away.’

The man who called himself Khotso, the isiSotho word for peace, had become a legend some years earlier when he arrived at Manning and Patterson’s showroom carrying a battered suitcase. He chose a blue Chrysler off the floor and paid for it in cash. The suitcase was full of five-pound notes.

‘If it’s somebody in Umtata,’ said Danny O’Brien. ‘Who is here who wasn’t here before? Who’s new? I can’t think of anybody except – ’

‘ – Steyn’s cousin,’ said Billy Miller. ‘How about him?

The other four fell silent. ‘But he was in the air force,’ Alan Dewes said. ‘And he got wounded. A spy is somebody on the other side. He lives in a secret house and he wears a disguise.’

‘Steyn, he is your cousin,’ said Charles. ‘He can’t be a spy too. Can he?’

Steyn Mostert looked as if he might be close to tears. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes he acted funny. My mother also thought he acted funny. I know. When she spoke to him she always looked cross. She told my dad he was a sponger. What’s that mean?’

‘It means a person who sucks up things like a sponge,’ Danny said. ‘But all the spies I’ve read about seem to have lots of money. They get it from their governments. They don’t go around sponging on people.’

‘Well,’ said Charles. ‘There’s one thing we can do. We can watch him, follow him. Maybe creep into his house and see if there’s a hidden wireless.’

‘You mean radio receiver,’ Billy said. ‘This could be fun. We’ll take it in turns following him. And while one of us is following him, we’ll search his house.’

‘That’s against the law,’ said Alan. ‘You can’t just go into other people’s houses like a thief. Let’s follow him and see what he does that’s suspicious.’

‘All right,’ said Billy. ‘Bags I go first then.’

At least one regular in the Grosvenor Hotel bar voiced the same opinion as Danny and his friends.

‘A spy among us?’ Ginger Southwood said. ‘What was I warning you about just the other day, George? Talking in front of strangers? And what about that stranger? What about a man who comes in, claiming to have broken his leg in a “prang” and now it seems didn’t break his leg at all?’

‘Are you sure about that, Ginger?’ asked Pondo Harrington.

‘Well, you heard me in here telling you that Ian Ross doesn’t believe he had a fracture in that leg. Or were you sitting there with your finger up your bum and your mind in neutral?’

‘That’s quite an accusation you’re making,’ said Gerald Wilson. ‘What if he just faked an injury to get out of going to the front?’

‘Also,’ George Trebble added, ‘he told us in detail what happened to him and his crew. I can’t believe he pulled that story out of thin air. But I’ve been thinking since Ginger gave us that warning.

‘And yesterday I happened to be talking in the club to Peter Moore. His two sons are in the air force, as we know. Well, one of them’s been up with Twelve Squadron, where Mostert was. Or says he was. And the lad’s getting a spot of leave soon before the squadron relocates to Cairo.

‘So I’ve arranged with Peter to bring his son around one evening when Nick Mostert’s here. Maybe a Friday. He normally pops in about six-ish on a Friday, doesn’t he?’

‘Six-ish or a bit earlier,’ Baldy the barman said.

‘Well, then,’ said George Trebble. ‘Let’s see how that little arrangement goes. See if it sets the cat among the pigeons. Either way, we should be able to know if he’s been telling the truth or stringing us along.’

Published on Amazon-Kindle (6.83 US dollars).

Of Mr RaM and Singh the Bridge

Two gentlemen had occasion to hand me their cards on the drive from New Delhi to Jaipur.

One was called Mr DaUlat RaM (c/O YRaSaD, GaOR, DISt JaIpuR) yet he looked about ten with the handwriting to support that impression. The other was a Sikh who saved us from panthers, adders and goodness knows what other beasties when our hired car chose to reject its differential at dusk in the middle of nowhere.

Mr RaM first appeared in my lens as a head behind a willow tree. I had in fact been trying to capture his little sister, bright sari amid the alien corn, but she fled screaming as from a dervish.

So Mr RaM manfully offered to be her proxy, though his dhoti was much less striking. But having survived the ordeal, he felt encouraged enough to ask for a copy of the photograph, scrawling name and scant address on a notebook page.

I trust the Indian postal authorities are aware of YRaSaD GaOR. There didn’t seem much more to the place than the cornfield and an adobe or two.

The Sikh’s card, by contrast, was as grand as himself. It listed two telephone numbers, a fax and telex. It also identified him as Mr Harbinder Singh. His business lay with the Rajasthan State Business Construction Corporation. We were later to learn that almost all Sikhs are called Singh as most Welshmen are called Jones. Singh, meaning lion, is a religious appellation.

Singh the Bridge encountered us late that evening, 30 kms short of Jaipur, when quiet desperation had set in. Our driver, we interpreted from muttered pidgin, had left on the doorstep of an overcrowded bus for differentials new. The hills were coming alive with all manner of creepy-crawlies, at least in the Occidental mind.

Five other local buses we had thumbed without result. Reasonably. No room in any of them for an extra chicken. Traffic dried up. So did fine expectations of cold beer and a hot bath at the famed Rambagh Palace, our night stop, redolent in its brochures of maharajahs and dancing girls. Until Mr Harbinder Singh happened along.

He arrived, chauffeur-driven, a striking figure in charcoal suit, bearded like the pard, a strip of black tape connecting both ears to hold in place a resplendent scarlet turban. He was, he said formally, bound for Jaipur and at our disposal.

I should explain here that, as Sikhs are called Singh, so most motorcars in India are 1956 Morris Oxfords. The car fits the country’s rugged demands. The same mould has been used for all those years, with cosmetic improvements to grille and dashboard.

Mr Singh’s model was current, ours decidedly not. But even at the point of rescue there was a certain aptness in transferring from one to another of exact dimensions, without the need to contract to the size of chickens on a passing bus.

Chickens, anyway, don’t often travel with luggage and it was this thought that suddenly led me to realise the departed driver had locked ours in the boot of the broken car.

Mr Singh dismissed our concern with mild surprise and a gesture to his chauffeur to retrieve the cases forthwith. One standard Morris Oxford, it seems, one standard key.

We made the Rambagh Palace several hours late to find a five-star reception waiting, as it were, in the warming drawer. Yet smiles were not strained. I slept in a bed that might have been the Maharani’s, the ghost of sentinel eunuchs past more prominent that panthers.

So ended the first full day in an extraordinary country. Culture shocks had abounded, prime among them the absolute mass of humanity. Urban India is more people than you’ve ever seen. They saturate your eyeballs. Yet nicely so, for Indians are above anything colourful and civil.

At Madras airport, we had sat seat-belted for an hour and a half, waiting for a mist to lift. Americans and Europeans would have begun vandalised the plane. Our fellow-passengers seemed to view it all as gratuitous entertainment.

The wait afforded the study of faces. Hundreds of millions of people must throw up clones. Omar Sharif was there, right across the aisle. So was the younger Nehru, forage cap and all. However, there were Western facsimiles too – a pallid Robert De Niro, Peter Ustinov, and the man from our London office, looking ridiculous under a dishcloth.

Crowds meant traffic, and we were to find Jaipur as traumatic in that respect as any other place. The famed Pink City only has a million and a half inhabitants but they all appeared to be concentrated in one central square, going round and round in their Morrises and tri-shaws, on bicycles and camel carts. Pedestrian crossings don’t exist. The trick, we were told, was to walk slowly, keep a high profile and not think too hard of death.

We never went to Kolkata, yet I’m prepared to believe what they say: that certain streets are uncrossable. To be on the other side one has to be born there.

What else of India? Give me another ten thousand words. Briefly, the surprises. Verdant scenery. Jacarandas and even baobabs. Omnipresent elephants. Skills and invention. The variety of costumes, majesty of architecture. The sheer photogenic qualities. The spectre of abject poverty.

And the Taj Mahal? Magnificent beyond description. A sensual feast.

Did you know, by the way, that it actually derives its name from a restaurant in Soho? I didn’t either but I have it on the best authority from a Londoner I met at the airport pub in Mumbai.

Amazing how travel broadens the mind.

Time Wounds All Heels column

Extract from John Ryan’s “Spy story”, published on Amazon.com

Then, the town had fitted most of its residents like a worn but comfortable shoe.

Two phalanxes of roads marched as Roman legions down either side of a central park to converge a few blocks before they reached the old iron bridge straddling the river that gave the town its name.

Had such Romans continued for another twenty miles beyond that bridge, they would have encountered some of the most fabulous scenery on God’s earth, a vast wilderness where green hills plunged into spectacular valleys.

But Rome never ventured further south in Africa than Egypt. Its sole association with Umtata was, by proxy, a modest Roman Catholic church and convent.

Then, in the time of Daniel O’Brien’s boyhood, high-ceilinged houses pointed gables at the sky. It was a place of trees and shrubs and lawns. Expansive gardens, masked by inscrutable hedges, fronted on wide avenues. Space and quiet were the watchwords.

One exception was Saturday morning, market day, when most of the blacks who lived in their “locations” would come to town to shop.

Town was an understatement, for Umtata, parochial though it had been, could boast an Anglican cathedral. Thus, officially, it was a city, befitting its status as the capital of the Transkei, a territory redolent of British colonialism and the Kaffir Wars.

However, if a small town is a place where most residents know one another, and where some people may feel stifled by that proximity, then Umtata had been such a place.

The cathedral was imposing. An elegant cut-stone basilica dominated a complex adjoining the Rec and two public schools, one junior and one senior, on the road that eventually led past the general hospital to East London and a more structured civilisation a hundred and fifty miles away.

Immediately below the Rec was the Bunga, seat of the United Transkeian Territories General Council, where Daniel’s father had worked as senior agricultural officer in a cold office behind the debating chamber. It was a domed building supported by Doric columns.

The Rec (for recreation ground) and colonial town hall were other focal points of Umtata activity. Sports days, cricket and rugby matches were held at the Rec; concerts, plays and meetings in the town hall; fetes and bazaars at both. The town hall could have been called the city hall but never was.

Two of the main streets, York Road and Owen Street, ran down parallel from the cathedral and the Bunga. Downtown Umtata was concentrated around the eight blocks they comprised.

York Road housed the major shops. Owen Street embraced legal firms, doctors’ surgeries, the magistrates’ courts, public library, a newspaper office, the Metro Theatre and the O’Brien home – right at the river end.

Umtata’s hotels, four licensed and two private, were in side streets off York and Owen. All had names that belied their level of seediness – the Savoy, Royal, Imperial, Windsor, Clarendon and Grosvenor, after a British East Indiaman wrecked on the nearby Pondoland coast in 1782.

Below the house where the O’Brien family lived were the local pound and stock sale pens. This was where the young Danny O’Brien once witnessed birth for the first time, or second if you counted his own. A Friesland cow produced a calf with all the blood and gore the boy would have expected from the termination of life, rather than the start of one.

Opposite the pound was a smallholder called Ewing who grew peaches and vegetables and guarded them with fences of prickly pear and salt guns tripwired at strategic points.

Beyond was a general dealer named Maker, who lathe-turned wooden tops for the community’s youngsters, and a blacksmith shop owned by one of the O’Briens’ neighbours, Bill Langton, where shoes were fitted to police horses.

Just across the river was a “mixed” suburb. Most of its residents proudly acknowledged being coloured, mulatto but not black, descendants of the Khoisan, or Bushmen, who originally inhabited the Transkei.

Now Daniel drove into town trying to reconcile the small community he had grown up in with the third world sprawl it had become.

The central business district teemed with humanity. Informal commerce had replaced the stiffly regulated norms of yesteryear. Hawkers plied their trade from sinking pavements, selling all manner of merchandise – clothing, shoes, vegetables, fresh meat, curios, cheap plastic toys, kitchen utensils, patent medicines and the purportedly life-saving tinctures of sangomas.

Pedestrians were forced to spill over into the traffic lanes, adding to the congestion of buses and taxis, shabby cars and bicycles.

Now, Daniel’s old house advertised itself as the Nursing Council. However, it seemed even more dilapidated than under the previous owner who had been a backyard mechanic. The lawn behind the house, which once served as a sports field for the little boys in Owen Street, was clotted with weeds.

He parked his Toyota Land Cruiser at the bottom of the street, crossed to the traffic islands and walked slowly up the block, drawing on his memory as he passed every house.

Miss Kay Bell, who had taught the young Danny and his brother Patrick piano, would have been bemused to discover that her tiny cottage had become the headquarters of Lucky’s Guns. She rented the cottage from spinster sisters, the Misses Hill, who had a larger house on the property. They were a fragile couple who seemed to leave no imprint on life as they moved through it. For years, Danny believed the phrase, as old as the hills, referred to Doreen and Irene Hill. Where they had lived was now a transport company.

Jack Dewes, the district surgeon, had had a surgery two doors away from the O’Brien home. Young male tribal initiates, the Abhakweta, would queue up in his front yard to be circumcised, then surround the part with leaves and hop away in agony. Aptly, according to a sign, the surgery belonged to a herbalist.

The Langton residence, diagonally opposite, had become the branch office of the East London Daily Dispatch, the newspaper on which Daniel had begun his career. Three properties beyond the Langtons had been the home of Fritz and Margaret Buhl. Daniel counted to three, looked, then looked again.

And was taken aback at the sight of a modern structure, jerry-built of unplastered blocks.

The Buhls’s old house was gone. So was the garden cottage, rebuilt after that traumatic night, although both had been there when last he had passed through the town.

Strangely, the wrought-iron gate had been retained, although now rusted and broken. Daniel remembered the bent figure with a grey crew-cut who so often had leaned on that gate, looking out wistfully at a hostile world beyond. Fritz Buhl in his later years.

The changes to Owen Street were part of a process Daniel had begun to see on earlier visits. In York Road, many of the old shops had been torn down and or left to degenerate.

Urban blight was pandemic. The town hall was almost derelict, its gardens the haunt of “portrait” photographers and vendors of cheap watches.

These changes to the town Daniel knew were severe but he had witnessed the first of them.The biggest happened in the early Sixties when the apartheid government began to put in place its silly plan of balkanising South Africa to counter the threat of what was unavoidable ­- eventual rule by a black majority.

The idea was to create separate, autonomous states where blacks could be confined away from cities and white urban areas. Self-government was the carrot offered to those prepared to be leaders of these homelands. Because the Transkei already possessed a self-governing system, it became the initial Bantustan guinea pig and Umtata for a while was the fastest-growing centre in the country.

Meanwhile, another process began: the dispossession of hundreds of white traders whose stores had served to open up the hinterland. The process failed to recognise that the new Transkei budget would not run to financing enough black traders to replace these rugged frontiersmen.

Thus began a rapid decline in services and standards and many locals found themselves with no ready outlet for their maize harvests and wool clips.

And with the resultant impact on agriculture, the towns and villages themselves began to suffer. Corruption was heaped on mismanagement, as one crooked regime after another sought the utmost personal gain from the money the central government was throwing at its bastard step-child.

Now, sanity had begun to return with the release from jail of Nelson Mandela who was born not a hundred miles away. The Transkei and other Bantustans would achieve the dubious distinction of being the first states in the history of Africa to have their independent status revoked.

Still, Daniel’s trip from Durban had confirmed that the wounds of the apartheid exercise would take a long while to heal. And, he thought sadly, while the changes were inevitable, the process never should have been allowed to happen at the expense of a whole culture.

Soon, phantoms of that culture were to accost him at almost every turn. Daniel’s quest was to find out what had happened to two of them – the friend who had died in that fire and the German spy who killed him.

.

Clearing up after the festivities

Dear Mrs Robinson,

First of all, my family and I would like to thank your good self and everyone concerned with your Establishment for a most enjoyable holiday. We are being entirely sincere when we say, in that phrase often over-worked, that “we had the time of our lives”.

If there should be a better private hotel on the Cape South Coast, we will battle to find it next season. (That statement is intended as a joke, ha! ha!, and has nothing to do – I hope – with the rather precipitate manner by which we eventually came to leave “Seatide” , for as you know we had planned to stay until after New Year.)

About that first small and, in my view, unfortunate altercation: Let me state at once that neither my wife nor I was apprised in advance of the fact that our “offspring” had invited friends to make use of their bedroom floor.

Believe me, it is not in our nature to have “squatters” or “big city hooligans”, as I think you described them on our departure, take advantage of anyone’s hospitality. Especially on a gratuitous basis.

This leads me to the hole in the bedroom ceiling, although here I would hesitate to apportion blame to any faction or individual.

But I am sure, with your experience in the catering business, you will agree that youngsters are the same wherever they may hail from (“big city” or otherwise) and if one offers a youngster a good set of bed springs (such as, I would like to add by way of compliment, we encountered almost without exception at “Seatide”) he or she inevitably will be tempted to jump on them.

Boys will be boys and girls, girls.

One suggestion I can offer in this regard is that you consider retreading the swimming pool as a pit for one or more trampolines. That could constitute a further fine amenity at “Seatide” for guests young and old, throughout the year, and particularly now that your pool filter happens to be malfunctioning.

By the way, while on the subject, we have spoken at length to our youngest and he remains adamant that he has absolutely no knowledge of the process whereby his flippers became lodged in the “in” duct.

My son has also expressed doubt that an accident like that should have discoloured the water in the pool to an extent where he was unable to see the bottom through his Jacques Cousteau “Barrier Reef” goggles.

I would tend to believe him since both flippers and goggles were a Christmas present he had hardly used until then. Indeed, he seems to be most distraught about the whole affair.

Another of our offspring has suggested the presence of the flippers in the filter probably was extraneous to its non-working anyway: that the original blockage was the result of the “mock battle” around the pool on Christmas Eve, initiated by the boy from the caravan park – the “large bloody lout” as you referred to him in your parting statements.

On that score, our children deny they invited the youth over. They say they were under the impression he was the son of somebody in your Management, so authoritatively did he direct the encounter between the “Ninja Turtles” and the “Sewer Rats” gangs. And so, when he began throwing mud around the pool area, they naturally thought this to be permissible under the rules of the hotel.

I humbly advise that a large gate, with a suitably high fence between hotel and caravan park, would be the best barrier against this sort of unwanted element.

The other events of our holiday, if I may deal with them in the order in which you mentioned them upon our departure, may be quite easily explained.

Firstly, our second born (please be assured) is unused to strong drink, though we do allow him the odd glass of white wine on festive occasions. After all, the family on his mother’s side is French, in the most responsible and civilised way.

But where he came by that bottle of Irish Mist still is a mystery to us. We can only think the boy from the caravan park must have brought it along with him, although we have no evidence to support that claim.

Our son’s recollection of the whole afternoon is vague, as you may well imagine. However, he has asked me to offer his apologies to you and your husband for the remarks he made in his state of impairment. Of course, he doesn’t remember exactly what he said but, as he points out, in our family “Fatso” and “Old Bag” often are used as terms of endearment.

The fire must be seen as my responsibility entirely. I should have double-checked that my portable soldering iron was switched off before I put it down on the bedside table after using it to repair the electric kettle you so thoughtfully placed in our suite. (Who tried to boil the kettle without water in it I cannot say. Incidentally, is it working now? If not, please mail it along and I’ll have another go.)

On the matter of the “mistaken bathroom”: our youngest, who collects these things, maintains that Mr Robinson over-reacted in the situation. He says the snake he happened to leave in the wrong tub was of a completely harmless water variety.

Also, my wife – who used to be a nursing sister and viewed your husband’s lacerations – says they were not nearly as bad as he made them out to be. It was quite a small window, after all.

Well, Mrs Robinson, I trust this e-mail letter has cleared up any remaining misunderstandings on your part. Assuring you of our continued custom and support in the future, I am etc.

Time Wounds All Heels column

Dominoes is no game for girls

Christmas just a few days off, and a problem re-emerges I thought had gone away forty years ago: What present to give a female child that is not a doll or something else related to dolls? Clothes, cradles, prams, wardrobes, houses?

And, in the modern world, doesn’t cost one or two limbs because it happens to contain a microchip?

Toys have always been easy for boys. There are all manner of things that run or fly, can be hit or kicked, that come with parts they can put together and so improve their mechanical skills. Or blocks for would-be architects or developers.

Or just a penknife can make a highly acceptable gift for a boy. And it is one you may upgrade every year, starting with a basic blade and moving through the whole range of Swiss Army knives with additional gadgets like nail-scissors, toothpicks, screw-drivers, saws and bottle-openers.

For years, in my pre-teen age, I envied Richmal Crompton’s William Brown character because he had a pocket knife that was able to remove stones from horses’ hooves.

As parent to four daughters, I have long deplored the restriction our society places on toys for little girls. It is highly discriminatory and I’m surprised the Women’s Libbers haven’t taken it up before now.

Instead, I notice a lame attempt by toy manufacturers to broaden the range of options by introducing an older Barbie, one with worry lines and cellulose thighs. A fat lot of use that will be, in all senses.

The problem of presents for little girls re-occurs because those four daughters have produced offspring. Of our nine grandchildren, no fewer than seven are female. I fear women are conspiring to take over the world.

My wife and I often tried to wean our daughters away from what was on offer for female children, to introduce them to a broader canvas of Life. Me particularly.

Birthdays and Christmases, we showered them with all manner of boy-type toys: Meccano sets, electric trains, Action Men, Frisbees, model aeroplane kits, fishing rods.

To little avail. Their interest was fleeting, if any; mainly, I imagine, because they didn’t want to appear non-conformist or foolish in the eyes of their peers.

So usually I ended up having to play with the darn things myself. Just to offset the expenditure.

When our eldest daughter took up Girl Guiding, I went out and bought her a scout knife. It wasn’t quite Swiss Army but handsome enough. And, yes, it did have the stone-from-hoof amenity.

But, alas, the Guide phase didn’t last and soon the knife was mislaid.

One gift that was successful for a while with our children was a set of dominoes, inlaid, quasi-ivory. So I was encouraged the other evening to find that one grand-daughter had come across these pieces in some dark recess and was idly shuffling them about on the carpet.

Now I am a domino player of international experience. I learned in a hard school during one summer I spent in Spain. We would go down to this little village on the island of Formentera and engage the locals.

The arrangement was that, if they beat us, we would buy the beer. If we beat them, we would buy the beer. Some Spanish traditions are rather strange for foreigners to understand.

Still, the beer was cheap, the company genial and we soon got to know the finer tactics of the game. It wasn’t too long before we were winning and buying all the time.

So when my grand-daughter produced the dominoes the other evening, and asked me how to play, I passed on some of those tactics. Not too many. No grandfather is a complete idiot.

Nevertheless, I explained how to keep count of the different cards, how important it was to play to one’s strength and when to withhold doubles and when not. That sort of thing.

She won the third game. The fourth, fifth and sixth.

Of course, it was beginner’s luck. But it doesn’t seem to have run out, night after night. Nor has her enthusiasm. My only consolation is that we aren’t playing for beer.

This weekend, I intend finding that scout knife with the hoof thingummy. It would be nice to have it handy – just to give the child a gentle nudge on the wrist as she prepares to put down her final card.

Duel in the African sun

Somewhere in Mozambique  – With consummate poise, I execute a series of big cape passes, the odd natural or two thrown in for good measure. After five minutes of this, I am quite prepared to retire behind the makeshift bullring for a quiet bottle of lunch.

But the crowd will give me no respite. Five veronicas, the classic pass of the big cape, bring them to their feet. A languid relobera, a sweet chiqueline, and I begin to feel that I will never again be able to find peace of mind in the mundane world of journalism.

Then they let in the bull.

Being at all times honest to a fault, I will be the first to concede that the animal which comes pounding into the arena is not a fighting bull in the true sense.

Possibly, it is slightly smaller than the fighting variety. And, well, possibly a bit younger.

I am also willing to admit that its horns are not of a size one normally associates with fighting bulls. But further than that I am not prepared to budge. (My colleagues, with their usual cynicism, will claim this description perfectly fits a calf. But if there is any such talk, I shall sue.)

At one stage during my training, I had considered taking the first charge on my knees, as I had once seen the great Antonio Ordonez do in Seville. Now, however, I reject that plan as frivolous and exhibitionist.

My substitute ploy, though less spectacular, is far more effective. I merely turn sideways to the line of the bull’s attack and disappear.

For ordinary mortals, the trick would be impossible. But for a man of my lateral proportions (I would make the young Sinatra look like an overstuffed gourmet) it is easy.

Bewildered, the bull blunders on.

Twenty metres away, an aged toureiro is reclining against the bamboo stockade, chatting to a friend in the stand. The bull takes him unawares, horns ripping through his trousers, raising a bruise on his thigh.

Hopping about indelicately on one leg, the man lets fly two flurries in Portuguese which I interpret loosely as “Please, you must be more considerate” and “Why do you not use the cape?”

Back in the middle of the sandpit, I feel it is time to establish supremacy. Shoulders erect, I leap nimbly into the air and yell “Toiro!

It is a terrible mistake. Hardly have I landed when the bull is upon me.

Round and round the ring we race. After five laps I am ahead. On the seventh, I almost lap my snorting adversary, but manage to check my pace.

By the ninth circuit, we are both dead beat. We face each other through the settling dust. The bull stands there, chest heaving and mouth agape. I stand there, chest heaving and mouth agape. It must be a horrible sight.

After a statutory two-minute pause, we are at it again.

The bull comes on. Hopefully, I extend my cape. It is a reflex action, like the threshing of a drowning man. Amazingly, it works. The bull tears at the red square, misses comprehensively, and ploughs a neat furrow in the dirt with its nose.

When it charges again, I have summoned up enough energy for a lame veronica, while shuffling off in the direction of where, in cricketing terms, square leg would be.

Now the bull, with evil aforethought, decides on a change of tactics. From a distance of two metres, it suddenly takes off. I choose the same instant to get my front foot trapped in the folds of the cape, and fall.

Fortunately, the bull has badly over-judged its leap. By the time it is able to turn, skidding like a puppy on a polished floor, I am thirty metres away and still moving.

The chase begins afresh. Midway through the eight round, it is obvious which way the result will go. The bull begins to move in for the kill.

What happens next is not in the script. At the height of its final lunge, the bull seems to lose co-ordination and crashes down in a superb belly-flop. From this position, legs splayed, it eyes me like a beached porpoise.

Now the aficionados are around me, slapping my back and mumbling praises. Someone thrusts a bandarillio, the long coloured dart, into my hand. It is the old toureiro, his thigh bound with an incredibly dirty handkerchief.

“Come, amigo,” he says softly. “Now you must place the dart in the toiro’s neck to signify the kill.”

But something in the man’s tone makes me decline. I have never been able to stand the sight of blood.

Particularly my own.

From One Man’s Africa.

   

 

The 15-year-old dogma went in just a phonecall

I turned on the television news the other day and heard former South African president Thabo Mbeki deliver a speech wherein he maintained that sport could unite the world. He was addressing a summit on racism.
I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment, which might or might not have been misplaced.
For the first time I met Mbeki, sport was the subject we talked about. It was in Lusaka, Zambia, in 1990. I had gone to the ANC headquarters in the city and was chatting to Tom Sabina, the Press officer, when a short man with a beard and pipe walked in.
He said he was Thabo Mbeki. I introduced myself and mentioned that I had reported on the treason trial of his father, Govan Mbeki, 26 years before.
Without much ado, Mbeki asked me what I thought of the ANC’s edict that there could be “no normal sport in an abnormal South African society”. This was in line with a slogan coined in the Seventies by the South African Non-Racial Olympic Committee (Sanroc).
I said I believed the stipulation was counter-productive and obstructive because it suggested that nothing in South African society should change until everything changed. I said it ignored the reality of the situation because there had been normalisation in certain sports like athletics and some football leagues.
Thabo Mbeki suggested I come back after lunch. When I did, he announced that the ANC was prepared to waive the “no normal sport in an abnormal society” stipulation.
Tom Sabina later told me that Mbeki had been in touch during the lunch period with Olive Tambo, the ANC president, in London.
Thus 15 years of dogma went in a single telephone call. Just like that.

Have spear, will travel

Dar es Salaam – Three hitchhikers stand in deep dust at a T-junction, 300 kilometres west of here.
The sun is like an oven, but the three neither wilt not sweat. The do not wear the uniquitous khaki and denim of foreign visitors, nor bear themselves down with backpacks. They are not ordinary hitchhikers.
The three men are clad, off-shoulder to knee, in dyed cotton with a water gourd around the waist and a clutch of hunting spears held forward as though presenting arms.
From this posture, they wave down a truck as it emerges from the Tanzanian bush. The driver brakes at once. These, after all, are odd people. Shun them, and you might find a sudden leak in your petrol tank.
The truck is east-bound, but it could as well be going in any direction. Masai warriors are seldom choosy. Not for nothing do they remain nomads, following the instinct to move anywhere except where they happen to be.
How far they will travel on this route will probably be subject to the affirmative nod of three heads. It might depend on the sighting of untended cattle, or merely another of the whims that shift the Masai.
Motor transport is relatively new to these particular tribesmen, but they have adjusted quickly. They know the times of day when vehicles are more likely to appear. They also know – from exposure to passing tourists – that they are a saleable commodity.
Female Masai, generally, may not be photographed, under threat of death or bad wounding. Males usually accede, but at an extravagant fee that could test a tourist’s budget. Sometimes refusal to pay is not worth the risk of asking what that fee might be.
The Masai are still the mavericks of Africa. All other tribes are either wary or alarmed by their doggedness to go where they please and graze their cattle on any available land.
An interesting juxtaposition of cultures occurs around a settlement near Morogoro, in central Tanzania. Here, one of Africa’s least Westernised people has met elements of the continent’s most sophisticated blacks, expatriates of the African National Congress.
There was one particular encounter a few weeks ago when a pride of lions threatened local stock on the fringe of the town. Masai warriors were alerted, killed four of the marauders in one day with their spears and put the others to flight. To the ANC cadres, such feats are awesome, part of an Africa they have never known.
Any sighting of the Masai makes them shake their heads in astonishment. A teacher at the ANC’s Solomon Mahlangu Freedom College near Morogoro tells with wonder how the rest of the Tanzanian population seem to view the Masai.
He went on a package tour of one of the game parks in central Tanzania. The guide enumerated all the animals in the reserve. He began by informing the tourists that there were this many elephants, that many impala, wildebeest, zebra and so on.
Then the guide added, “And we have nearly two thousand Masai.”

From One Man’s Africa (Jonathan Ball Publishers).